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So something had been bothering me lately.

I can’t sing.

I mean I can physically but not in a manner which I find suitable.

Now being not able to sing and the reason I can’t sing has always bothered me because frankly I would love to be able to sing and I was denied the possibility.

When I was ten years old I was in fourth grade which in my town was the age that you started taking part in music groups like the orchestra or chorus (the wind band you started in 5th grade). I decided to learn how to play the violin in the orchestra which was great. I also wanted to sing so I went along to the chorus practice. I only got to go to about two practices before I was told that because I was in the orchestra I wasn’t allowed to be in the chorus as well. Because I was 10 years old I didn’t say anything about it and it seemed fairly trivial to stop going to the chorus practices. But what that action at such a young age did was cement in my mind that I couldn’t and shouldn’t try to sing.

Three years later I switched schools and instruments, this time to the cello which I still play more or less until today (though for a number of reasons I haven’t played in about two years). At this new school I was in the orchestra but because I wasn’t in two musical groups I had to take a music appreciation course because obviously being a cellist was not musically aware enough.

The point I’m trying to make in this little rant is that in one system I was discouraged from attempting to be literate in two forms of musical expression for whatever reason whereas in another I was viewed as lacking because I was constrained to one musical type. And frankly I feel a little cheated that I lost the opportunity to sing and learn to sing from an early age.

 

I finished up at the summer camp I work at today. I will get to leave tomorrow morning and indulge in some much needed rest and relaxation with a few bouts of knitting and yarn excursions to such places as Webs in western Mass and Halcyon in Bath, Maine. One thing I love about Maine are that there are so many yarn shops. I might also pop into the little one in Camden as well just for the hell of it.

On the knitting blocks is:

Icing Swirl Hat – 10 in 2010

Arch shaped socks for my boss

Selbu Modern – 10 in 2010

Brainless – 10 in 2010

Kiila for my mom for Christmas/ 10 in 2010

That’s the big list right now though the order will probably changed, especially as there are so many socks on there at the moment.

I’ve had a rough few weeks, emotionwise and workwise, both of which are linked. But I’ve got some assignments in, gotten down to work on the old dissertation, the sun is shinning (or at least it was before it set) and I started knitting again after about a two week hiatus. Like I always say, you can tell my mental state by whether I’m knitting, when I’m happy I knit, when I’m depressed I don’t. So I would say things are looking up. Hope to get pictures taken soon of the latest knits.

After two weeks, mainly to give my legs a break as it was feeling like shin splints coming on, but also some bad weather, being away and general stress I finally went for a run. It was a bit of a struggle to just convince myself to go. I decided that the only reason I didn’t want to was because I believed that I couldn’t do it and I can so I needed to just go do it and then even if I couldn’t do I would actually know and it wouldn’t be for lack of trying. Anyhow, long story short, I went and did my third week 3 run and it was great. It was challenging but in a good way and I was able to run the interval with a minimum of discomfort. I’m going to just go for it and start week 4 which I think will be a bit of a stretch as the time moves up to 5 minutes but I’m willing to give it a shot. I really want this thing to work and be able to run for longer distances and times. I’m already eyeing up 5K races for late summer when I’m at home. Ever the competitor it will give me a goal and a reason, other than fitness for why I’m doing this, plus the fact that you usually get t-shirts with these things and it looks impressive to have them, or at least I think so.

In terms of pushing myself to do things, I’m struggling to get myself to start my personal statement at the moment (not to mention the dissertation). I know I am not comfortable writing, especially about myself but I need to just start and get stuff down and then I can go back and polish it. But the sooner I start, the sooner I can take it in to the Careers Service and they can look at it, and the sooner I can get these applications out. So I need to forget that I’m not comfortable writing about me and just do it.

I’m still in my mode of up days and down days though probably since the last time I wrote it has been more up than down.

I had a really good trip to Bangor. The journey down went very smoothly, no train issues and I managed to find the B&B with no problems though I did get a little worried when I kept walking and hadn’t gotten to it yet. I knitted the majority of the first of my Vancouver mittens on the journey down so that was a nice feeling. Bangor isn’t as studenty a town as St Andrews is so I was a little lost for things to do before the open day started, I did a bit of wandering and so forth. Luckily I met a girl from York who was also there for marine biology so we spent quite  a bit of time together, it was nice to talk to someone else who is studying the same sorts of things and interested in the same subjects. The visit to the school of ocean sciences was very informative and cast a completely different outlook on my part than the first time I visited. I also discovered they have a program which is Marine Environmental Protection which is much more in line with my interests and academic background. It changes how I look at other programs as well, like the Exeter fisheries program which was sort of a just in case is now much higher on my list. I think the fact that the majority of my essays end up being about fisheries must point towards me actually being very interested in fisheries, not to mention the rather impassioned speech I gave to Ank over dinner on saturday. The only thing now is to get all my applications in and down. Ultimately I’d like to get that done in the next few weeks. I am attempting to write a CV and am hoping to go to the Careers Service tomorrow to have them give me some pointers on that and my personal statement. While the journey down went quite smoothly, the return trio was much more exciting. The train out of Crewe was late meaning I missed my train in Lancaster. There was a train in half an hour to Carlise and then the last train that day to Edinburgh seeing as they were doing work on the tracks. There were quite a  few people in this situation and I met a girl who’s studying at Liverpool so we talked most of the to Edinburgh. Strangely enough one of the people from that Crewe train, a man and his little boy actually ended up getting off at Leuchars as well, it’s so weird how small and interconnected the world really is, the way peoples’ lives converge and diverge in unexpected and amazing ways. Anyhow, the train out of Lancaster was late but they held the Edinburgh train in Carlise for us but there was still the mad dash through the station.

I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by work lately, or really the idea that the world is spinning a little too fast into the future and I don’t feel like I’ve found my feet in order to catch up. I have set up talking to Alan on skype and had our first catch today. I seem to be having the problem of looking to far into the future and getting caught up in things that at this point I have no control over and I need to remember to take one step at a time and work in the present. So we’re to catch up again on Friday and hopefully I’ll have gotten some work done which starting is the hardest part and I’m going to do that.

On to the more interesting things, I’ve put up a few knitting posts of things I knit for Ravelympics, the majority of it I haven’t had a chance to photograph even though I’ve been wearing the new Gretel for almost two weeks now. The ribbing on it has really stretched out and I need to find out if I can block it back together. Hopefully I’ll get some more pictures and posts up soon.

But now, I’m just focusing on what I can actually manage now, if I take care of the present the future should take care of itself.